How to talk to kids about death

A few months ago, in Ramadan, my Nani (maternal grandmother) passed away. 

Alhamdulillah. 

My children have always been close to my Nani because she lived nearby and we saw her at least once a week. Even though she was 85, she always made time for them - chatting to them, joking with them, teasing them, playing games with them. My third child has been particularly close to her, mostly because he would find her while she was resting in bed in the afternoons, and keep her as a captive audience to his games and stories, lol. 

My Nani was not particularly unwell in Ramadan.  Alhamdulillah, although it was quick and peaceful, her passing came as a surprise. 

We got the call that she had passed away just before midnight. Muslim funerals are held as soon after death as possible so we immediately started getting ready to go the funeral house. My husband woke up our older children (10 years and 8 years) and we carried our younger children (4 years and 8 months) to the car while they slept. We spoke briefly to the older children about how Ma (as they called her) was in a better place. 

When we got there my oldest stayed with his father, helping to set up the house for the mayyit (funeral). [At muslim funerals we generally set up an area where the body can be placed, move all surrounding furniture and lay down blankets so that people can sit on the floor.] 

My 8yr old daughter came with me to witness the ghusl (the body being washed - a ritual that is always performed for a Muslim person who has passed away). We both watched attentively as the ladies on the ghusl team at the local masjid quickly and carefully washed the body with warm water, making sure to be respectful of modesty by keeping almost all of the body parts, except the face, covered by sheets. I explained to my daughter what was happening and how we believe the soul of a dead person lingers above the body until burial, usually in the company of angels. Subhanallah.

Both of my older children were sad and teary through the night, but we stayed up together until suhoor (the pre-sunrise morning meal before fasting) and our discussions and the rituals of  setting up for the mayyit and attending the ghusl seemed to ground them. 

I was concerned, however, about how my 4year old would take the news. I decided I needed to be with him when he woke up so I could explain to him what had happened before he saw the wrapped body or realised what had happened.

 When he woke up, I was ready. We had the following conversation:

Assalamualaykum my darling! (I hugged him and we read the dua - the prayer - upon waking).

Do you know where we are? (He looked around and realised he had woken up at his grandmother's house).

I have some EXCITING news for you, but before I tell you what it is, I need to ask you a question.

We talk a lot about how awesome Jannah is. If I told you that you could go to Jannah, RIGHT NOW, right this minute, would you go?

At this he immediately exclaimed "yes! of course!" (We have had many discussions about Jannah and how wonderful it is. In the past he has even told me that he wished he could die so that he didn't have to wait to go to Jannah, alhamdulillah, lol. So I expected this reaction.) 

Well, guess what?! Allah swt has taken Ma to Jannah! She gets to go there NOW. Alhamdulillah.

"Wow!" he exclaimed with a smile on his face.

It's a bit sad for us because we won't get to see her again on earth, but  inshallah we will get to meet her in Jannah! 

I started explaining to him what was going to happen that day.

Last night, when we heard that Ma passed away, we came here to your Nani's house. Your sister and I went to wash her body and your older brother and dad helped to set up the house for the mayyit. After we washed the body, it got wrapped up in sheets and now it smells like camphor. I actually love the smell of camphor. If you go into Nani's lounge, you'll see Ma's body all wrapped up and smelling like camphor.  A lot of people will come here later for the funeral, and then they will take Ma's body to the cemetery to get buried. You can go with your dad if you like. 

Did you know that Ma's soul will stay with her body until she is buried at the cemetery? She's in the company of the angels and looking down on everything that is happening here. 

Let me tell you something funny; last night when your brother was helping to set things up, he almost tripped over Ma's body because it is laid out on the floor! I can just imagine that Ma's soul was watching and maybe laughing and telling him not to stand on her! 

He giggled at the story and jumped out of bed, wanting to go see the body. As I was busy with the baby, I asked my older son to go with him but my 4yr old shrugged his brother off and went to go find the body by himself.

He found his uncle praying over Ma's body and proceeded to tell him the funny story of his brother almost tripping over the body and how Ma and the angels probably laughingly scolded him. 

Through the day I watched my 4yr old carefully, wondering if the sadness and loss would hit him, but alhamdulillah, he handled the funeral well. (Possibly too well, with an extremely cheery demeanour. If I were to have the conversation with him again, I might have included a bit about the fact that people generally are sad and sombre through the funeral and we need to be respectful of that.)

He also went to the cemetery with his dad to pray the janazah prayer and throw sand in the grave. We have always allowed our children to take part in the rituals of death (while we guide and converse with them along the way) because death is a natural and normal part of being human, and these rituals help to bring closure. 

It's been over two months now and alhamdulillah, although we miss her presence, my children have all adjusted to Ma's death quite well. 

May Allah grant her Jannatul Firdaus without reckoning.