How to (gently) wean a breastfeeding 2 year old

I’m a mom of 4 kids and I have been breastfeeding for amost 8 years. I have weaned three times, when each of my older children reached the age of 2 years (the Islamically recommended age of weaning) and I’m about to embark on the journey of weaning my fourth child.

The process is bittersweet.

The end of breastfeeding often means for me a new independence (mentally and physically), the return of my body to my own exclusive use, increased energy, better sleep, decreased appetite and the welcome release of the last few kilos of weight that my breastfeeding body clings to. I welcome these things, alhamdulillah (Praise God).

However, it is also a stage of transition, of farewell to the physical connection I share with my child and to the phase of babyhood/toddlerhood. Every phase of motherhood has it’s own joys, but that doesn’t mean it is easy to let go of the previous phases.

It’s okay to mourn what we are letting go of, while also celebrating the intense work our bodies have done to nourish our babies and embracing the path ahead.

Saying goodbye to breastfeeding can be hard for both mom and child, which is why I have always approached the process of weaning as gently, and methodically as possible. I’ve learnt a lot over the years from books, articles, chatting to other moms and of course, my own experiences. 

Here is my process for weaning a breastfeeding 2 year old.

The Groundwork:

1. A few months prior to fully weaning, I practice what the La Leche League calls “don’t offer, don’t refuse”. This basically means that I stop offering feeds to my baby, but if my baby asks, I don’t refuse. Sometimes this means that certain feeds will automatically get dropped, as my toddlers are busier during the day and more distracted.

2. I NIGHT WEAN first. Night weaning is much harder than day weaning. With my first baby I left night weaning for last, and it was a complete disaster. My child was fully day weaned but at night I felt like the worst mother in the world as he begged for milk and couldn’t fall back asleep after his night wakings.

When I night wean I get my chidren used to a sleep routine that does not include breastfeeding. This way, naps and bedtimes are not a huge issue during the full weaning process. (I have written an entire blog post on my night weaning process. You can access it HERE.)

3. About a week or two before day weaning, I begin to tell stories to my babies about how big they are and how when they turn 2 years old, they will no longer be a baby that needs mummy’s milk. With my oldest I had a simple black and white book (leaflet) written by a La Leche League member called “Ella’s Weaning”. I can no longer find this book online but you can easily tell the same story to your toddler  and tailor it by using your own photographs from their birth and childhood :

• When you were a baby and you were first born, you started drinking mommy milk! You were just a few minutes old the first time you had mommy milk. (Show your child a picture of them just after birth).
• You had only mommy milk for 6 months! Everything mommy ate, you tasted in the milk! Your tummy wasn’t ready for other food yet but mommy milk gave you everything you needed to grow bigger and stronger. (You can show your child photos of them during this stage of their life).
• When you turned 6 months, you started tasting real food! Your first food was carrots, and you really enjoyed tasting apple and banana etc. (If you have them, you can show your child photos of them eating various foods).
• You were still drinking mommy’s milk though, because your tummy was still getting used to food.
• Then you turned 1 and you started eating more and more food, (and you even stopped drinking mommy milk at night). (Show your child pictures of them from this age).
• Wow, I can’t believe you’re almost 2 years old! You are going to be a big boy/girl soon! Allah swt says that when you’re 2, you can start eating only food and you can stop having mommy milk.
• Alhamdulillah (Praise God), you’re not small anymore, aren’t you glad you’re not a little baby? A little baby (show them photos of them as a baby or cousins or a sibling) can only have mommy milk. But YOU, YOU get to eat so many yummy foods. What are your favourite things to eat? A little baby doesn’t get to eat strawberries or bananas or ice cream! You don’t want to be a little baby, do you?

I don’t just tell this story once. I tell repeatedly over a period of weeks. It may be useful to even make a slideshow to show your child.

4. I offer my babies an incentive for weaning – a weaning party! I tell them that when they have stopped drinking mommy milk for a week (or two weeks), we will have a party to celebrate. We talk about who we will invite, and I give them options to make it a themed party.

I try go all out with these parties (energy permitting). I offer them themes to choose from (with my littlest we are currently discussing trains). We talk about the preparations beforehand and as they get excited I encourage them by saying “as soon as you stop drinking mommy milk, we can have your party!”

I find talking about these parties a very useful distraction technique even after weaning has happened and the party is over. When my child asks for milk after the party has happened, I say “Oh, but remember you stopped drinking mommy milk? And we had a party for you! Do you remember the party? Do you remember the balloons, the cake? What was your favourite part of the party?” 

Usually the child starts reminiscing about the party and forgets about milk.

The actual weaning process:

Once I’ve done the above steps (night weaned, told them stories, talked about a weaning party), we choose a date to start. I tell my child beforehand – they know when the last day of milk is. Then I stop offering milk, and if the child requests milk I do the following:

1. Distract

Distraction can happen in two ways  - either an activity that the child enjoys (let’s read a book, go for a walk, play a game) or food (the child might be hungry).

2. Offer more food. 

If your child was feeding regularly in the day, they may need to increase their food intake because they might be hungry. In the mornings, particularly, you might want to keep food next to the bed or jump out of bed immediately to offer a big breakfast.

3. Offer an alternative drink.

“Remember, today we are stopping mommy milk so you can have your party. Would you like goat’s milk (or cow’s milk etc) instead?

4. Offer cuddles and comfort.

Breastfeeding is about far more than nutrition, it’s also about closeness and connection. I would say to my child “You’re not drinking mommy milk anymore but we can still cuddle! I can hug you, kiss you, rub your back, hold your hand or tickle you!”  I offer lots of cuddles and comfort during this transition time.

5. Wear clothing that doesn’t make breastfeeding easy (like high necklines) – no more breastfeeding friendly clothing!

6. I have gotten advice to read Surah Burooj (a particular chapter of the Quran) to help the weaning process.

It's important to realise that, depending on his/her personality, there might be a lot of crying from your child. I know this is heartbreaking and hard to bear but at the same time, your child is transitioning to a developmental stage where they are learning boundaries, and learning that life is not always going to give them what they want.  As parents it is our responsibility to firmly and gently set boundaries. I am not a fan of leaving children to cry alone - in circumstances like this I will cuddle my child and possibly say "I know you're sad, it is okay to be sad sometimes". 

Things I avoid:

There are so many ways to wean a baby and I’ve seen such differing advice out there. Personally there are things I prefer not to do:

 1. Stopping cold turkey without any mental prep beforehand for my child. (This can also result in engorgement and pain for mom). 

2. Using horrible tasting mixtures to stop my child from drinking. I used bitter aloe once.  It was during the disastrous night weaning process with my first child. It is probably the most vile thing I have ever tasted and I applied it to myself hoping it would discourage my child from wanting to feed back to sleep after night wakings…do you know what happened? My child drank through the bitter aloe. I felt like the worst mother in the world that I hadn’t prepared him better for night weaning.

3. Saying to my child by saying that the milk is “gone” or that “ Mommy is hurt” (and using bandaids so that the child can’t have access).

I don’t like these methods because my husband and I try to always be honest with our children. As they grow older, we insist on them telling the truth, in an age appropriate way – and we model that from the day that they are born. We want them to know that they can always trust what we say to them. Children can handle the truth, alhamdulillah. And in this case, the truth is that Allah loves us, He knows what is best for us and he has commanded that from a certain age children should stop drinking breastmilk. And alhamdulillah, He has provided us with so many other delicious foods to eat and liquids to drink.

Conclusion

Weaning can be a very emotional process – and not just for the child who has to stop drinking breastmilk.  There may very well be tears from both sides (and some of this may be hormonal as well as your body shifts).

 One thing that helped to me to prepare for weaning was knowing that when I wean at 2 years, I do so for the pleasure of Allah (God) and to make that intention. This life is about tests, motherhood is about sacrifices. I sacrifice many things for my child (sleep, my body, my time, my energy), but the sacrifice of weaning is also for Allah swt. Alhamdulillah (Praise God). It is not without reward.

If you have used my tips and had success, please drop a comment below!